xiii: you said move on (where do i go)

title:
date: Saturday, November 22, 2008
time:6:10 PM

my user infothis my second time posting somewhere since i posted in my buddyinfo on AIM. yeps now to ppls who look at my blog:

My own little set of quotes/monologues (?):

even the girls try hard because when the person she likes smiles, she will be very happy.
even the guys are trying their best, even thought the field of vision is zero they try their best. even the guys try hard because they wish for their loved ones to smile.

please let things work out for them. please let all of them be happy. gear god, Please. let joy drift down and cover us all equally in the same measure the way the snow is doing.

everybody was probably thinking the same things but if we said it out loud we'd all feel worse. why am i the one who's here? A year ago i had the feeling that that would be the last time all of us were together for christmas. but when i'd pictured this year's christmas, in my mind back then...i was the one who was missing. and so the snow continued to fall softly upon our stray sheep, gently enfolding their various feelings in whiteness... and swallowing the sound of the siren as the ambulance sped through the streets that Christmas night.

its true that i dont know where i'm going,. and no matter how hard i try to ignore that it shows up in my work. but, being lost doesnt make me any less ME. it shows up because its part of who i am. so i need to be honest with myself. let it all out. put all of who i am right now into my work. that all i can do.

i turned off the engine and a moment later...quietly...the car was filled with the sound of rain. the orange colored lights were hazy in the downpour. there was nothing to say so the two of us just watched the lit up bridge in silence. the coffee we bought from a machine smelled cheap in its paper cup but it was hot and when i took a sip the steam distorted my vision. i'd been so desperate. i thrashed and flailed so furiously. and yet all i'd learned was just a couple of things. one that simply thinking of him hurts so much that my heart almost rips apart. and two, that this pain aone is reason enough for not being able to live without him.

wait for me. one day i'll cross that wide river. that endless moonlit expanse. i'll meet you there on the other side, at rainbow's end.

actually, i was lying a little when i said that. there were really three choices. there always are. but its better to believe there were only two. because that leaves the way open to new possibilities. and thats why the third choice is something i'll never, ever mention.

he has changed, little by little. probably for the better. i guess, its just selfish of me to wish he hadnt.

i dont know how to stop things from slipping away. but for know i can stay like this for a little longer. i'll walk through town, with the smell of snow in the air and eat something warm when i get home. and then i'll curl up and go to sleep.

something's wrong with me lately. its like i'm here but i'm not really here. and i've got tons of things i ought to be doing. at least i think i do. i can't even remember what they are. maybe i'm in a daze all the time because of this medicine? the world around me is blurred from the tears and the sneezing. maybe thats why i keep finding myself replaying old memories. or wait...is this one nof those things where people say "and then my whole life flashed before my eyes"...? cherry blossom petals kept fluttering crazily by infront of my eyes so i start to feel like i'm rewinding the same video all the time. over and over.
that night a strong wind blew in like a lion, rampaging around, and in just one evening took all the cherry blossoms in town and carried them off somewhere.

i should totally use these in my essays and stories that i write for NO APPARENT REASON. well at least i should make them good... even tho those r the ones i wont ever show anyone. ever. (cause there that good and sad) yeps. comment. please~

Labels: boredness, lists, monologues, quotes

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